Yelp has it all. Angry Karens, a cheating scandal at a Florida Chipotle, and now, a scathing entry dedicated to the filthy hellhole that is Paddy’s Pub from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Seth, a longtime Always Sunny enthusiast and curator of Paddy’s Pub Blog, recently offered fans a glimpse at what not-so-peak performance looks like by crafting a mock Yelp page set on rightfully calling out the business practices of Philly’s grimiest pub.
This effort, he tells me, was partially inspired by an offhanded gag during The Gang’s recent trip to Abbott Elementary. “In the Abbott half of the crossover, Melissa is clued in to how she knows The Gang by a line from a teacher, who says Dennis keeps asking her out to ‘some gross bar with like 300 one-star reviews,’” he explains.
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On Monday, Seth decided to make this widespread displeasure a semi-reality in honor of the show’s 20th anniversary. “It’s (now) canon that Paddy’s has ‘300 one-star reviews on Yelp,’” he explains, “so I thought it would be cool to make something that would reflect that for the 20th anniversary of the show.”
He says that making the image was fairly straightforward, as it was crafted by “editing an actual Yelp page for a poorly rated bar” and using a little bit of Photoshop throughout the course of a six-hour flight. You can’t see all 300 of Paddy’s one-star reviews, but the selections that made the mock-up speak volumes.
“Disgusting bar and even grosser bathrooms,” one faux patron wrote before offering a warning about one of the bar’s more infamous features. “Trust me, you don’t want to put your dick or mouth anywhere near their glory hole.”
“Owners will rob you if they get the chance,” added a second review. “Stay away!!”
The question-and-answer section isn’t much more flattering. “Do they card?” one “patron” asked. “Depends if the gay bouncer is on a power trip or not,” read the reply, a clear slight at Mac’s infamous ocular patdowns.
Despite such rampant negativity, Seth says he isn’t too worried about getting kidnapped like the newspaper reviewer in Season Four’s “Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia.” “I’d give The Gang a good run for their money when it comes to yapping someone’s ear off,” he joked.
He does, however, have a few theories as to how the various members of The Gang would react to the page. “Charlie would have someone let him know what’s on there, and once he’s been informed that their health score is accurately listed as perfect, he’d be satisfied,” Seth maintains, arguing that Frank would largely be indifferent, as “there’s not much personal information on there that would link him, or the bar, to any of his other dealings.” The Frank’s Fluids founder would “be happy they have so many reviews, regardless of the standard, since it proves they’re an active business in ‘good’ standing.”
“Mac,” Seth continues, “would probably wonder why the majority of the one-star reviews are things he deems five-stars worthy — complaints about witnessing fights, getting caught up in a fight, the dodgy and aggressive atmosphere, etc. — and try to report those to Yelp as mislabeled, not because he cares about their rating but because he thinks Yelp isn’t capturing Paddy’s vibe correctly.”
As for Dee: “She’d comb the reviews looking for compliments — and maybe smash her phone when there are next-to-none,” Seth speculates. “A few very real reviews complimenting the female bartender might pop up a few days later…”
Dennis, of course, would likely blame the scathing reviews on everyone but himself. “In the episode ‘The Gang Tends Bar,’ it clearly bothers him to some degree that the bar is so dysfunctional, but it seems like he sees that as less of a comment on his personal failings and more on every other member of The Gang failing to do their jobs properly,” Seth theorizes, noting that when compared to the rest of his buds, Dennis “comes off most competent at his job.”
“A majorly supported negative review about Dennis notwithstanding, I’d like to think he’d tell everyone to put their phones down and focus on doing their goddamn jobs if they want the bar to have ‘accurate’ reviews.”
